Love, Tony
by CSIMel
Summary: It's Kate's birtday and she's in for a treat! So are you! Tateish undertones. Oneshot. Hilarity ensured or your review back!


**LOVE, TONY**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I didn't even own the pen I used to write this. My other one ran out, so I had to borrow one. Long and boring story.**

**A/N: Okay, here we go again. Another Tate one shot. Read, review, you guys know the drill. Onwards!

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Her mother had been 34 for three years.

That was when Kate was eight.

Now, 20 years later, her mother was only 45, with the body of a 30 year old. Given the extensive amount of work she'd had done, that was only to be expected.

Last time Kate went home, some stranger mistook Kate and her mother for sisters. Her mother had been ecstatic, but when your 50-something year old mother looks like your sister, that can be a bit depressing.

Okay, a _lot_ depressing.

Sure, she was only 28 and still pretty young, but when you look older than you actually are, on your bad days, then it's time to take action.

Especially if, in Kate's case, you had a lot of bad days.

Kate sighed and got up from the couch she was sitting on. It was 11:30 pm and Kate was not looking forward to getting up at 5:30am – on her birthday. She threw the crime show she was watching one last glare before switching it off, wishing that all the young, perfect hair, perfect body and perfectly tanned female cops would fall off a cliff. Or at least become hideously deformed in some freak accident. Then again, it's not hard to look perfect when you have a personal hairdresser, stylist, trainer and make-up artist.

She sighed again. Why hadn't she married rich like her mother suggested?

Kate walked into the bathroom, depressed at all the beauty products on the sink. Anti-aging creams, cover-up sticks, moisturisers, lotions, wrinkle creams, facemasks and countless of other products stared at her mockingly – reminding her she'd spent hundreds of dollars on miracle products that didn't work. She picked up a lotion that she bought to try. _Lavender and orange peel anti-aging moisturiser._

Like every other night, Kate quickly prayed that this new product would work.

If they didn't – Kate would have to start lying about her age.

* * *

Tony was panicking. After running around all day asking everyone he could think of for help – Abby, Ducky and even McGee – Tony was still clueless.

It was Kate's birthday tomorrow. And his chances of finding the perfect present weren't looking too good.

He racked his brain to remember what the others had suggested.

"_Why don't you get her something like weights or a gym gift voucher? She loves working out." _– Abby.

"_Well, you know Caitlin loves dancing. Yes, she's used to be a professional ballroom dancer, which reminds me how in my college days I used to woo the ladies with my dancing abilities…" _– Ducky.

"_Uh, um…well, Tony, I'm not sure. You could always get her a CD gift voucher." _– Probie.

So, after driving around for an hour, Tony was no closer to getting Kate a gift.

After all, what ideas did he have? Dancing, exercise and a music gift voucher? It was…

Brilliant!

Tony did a u-turn at the nearest set of lights, resulting in several angry drivers honking their horns and yelling obscenities. But Tony didn't care.

He was on a mission.

And nothing would get in his way.

* * *

Kate entered the NCIS building the next morning, exhausted, itchy and extremely annoyed. She touched her face carefully, pulling out a small mirror. The stupid lavender and orange peel anti-aging moisturiser caused her to break out in an ugly rash. It had taken her 20 minutes and half a bottle of foundation to cover up the redness and she felt very self-conscious. And very annoyed.

_Happy 29th birthday, Kate._

She sat at her desk and booted up her computer. 'Happy Birthday, Kate' flashed across the screen.

Kate smiled and made a mental note to give Abby a thank-you hug.

Tony strode into the office whistling the opening bars of _'Happy Birthday'_.

He leaned over her desk.

"Happy birthday, Katie."

"Thanks, Tony," Kate said politely, forcing a smile.

"Didn't Katie like my song?" Tony teased, "How about this one –

_Why was she born so beautiful?_

_Why was she born at all?_

_Because she had no say in it;_

_No say in it at –_"

"Please stop singing, DiNozzo," Kate pleaded, cutting off his dramatic singing, "and don't call me 'Katie'."

"Your wish," Tony did an over-exaggerated bow, "is my command."

"Okay," Kate laughed, "I wish you would go and jump of a bridge."

"Ouch, Kate, that was harsh!" Tony replied, "So, what's up with you? Why are you being such a 'Bitchy Brenda'?"

"'Bitchy Brenda'?" Kate queried.

"That's how I used to remember alliteration," Tony explained, "but you're avoiding the subject – what's up?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Come on," Tony prodded, putting on an Italian mobster accent, "tell Tony all about it."

Kate laughed.

"It's my birthday."

"And…" Tony said, waiting.

"It's my birthday." Kate answered again.

"So?" Tony asked. Then it hit him. "Oh, you're not going to go all 'female' on me because you're getting old."

"Female?" Kate questioned, with hostility in her voice, "Getting old?"

"Did I say that?" Tony said nervously, "Let's just rewind the conversation – why are you worried about getting older?"

"I'm nearly 30, Tony," Kate exclaimed, "with no long term relationship. This is the best I'm ever going to look; it's only downhill from here. And even if I did meet someone tomorrow, we'd have to date for a year, then be engaged for at least 4 months and married for at least 2 years before we even considered having children. By the time we decided to have kids, I'd be far too old, so we'd have to consider IVF or even adopt!"

"Whoa, you really have this all planned out, don't you, Kate?" Tony said, shaking his head.

"Well, there was nothing on TV and the video store was shut so…" Kate trailed off, seeing the expression on Tony's face. "You were joking weren't you?"

"Uh huh."

"I just don't want to turn into my mother." Kate moaned.

"Your mother?" Tony queried.

"My mother believes the secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. She even cross-stitched it onto a cushion."

"Lucille Ball." Tony stated.

"Sorry?"

"The quote was Lucille Ball."

"I don't really care where it's from," Kate answered, shaking her head.

"Seriously, Kate, you don't have to lie about your age – you look great!" Tony exclaimed.

"Really?" Kate asked shyly.

"Really," Tony answered, "hey, I know what will cheer you up."

"What?"

"Your birthday present!" Tony handed her three gifts and a card.

Kate opened the card. It had a picture of a body builder on it with Tony's head taped over the mans. Kate rolled her eyes and opened it.

"_Hope your birthday is hot. Love, Tony._" Kate placed it facedown on her desk. "Thanks, Tony."

"Aren't you going to display it?" Tony asked, innocently.

"No."

Kate reached for a box, but Tony stopped her.

"This one first," he commanded, handing her a CD shaped package.

"I wonder what this could be," Kate said sarcastically, opening the gift. "_The Pussycat Dolls_. Who are they?"

"Have you been living under a rock, Kate?" Tony asked disbelievingly, "Their song 'Don't cha ' was a major hit –

_Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like me,_

_Don't cha –_"

"Please don't sing!" Kate cut him off. "Thanks for the CD, I guess."

"But wait, there's more!" Tony handed her a soft package.

Kate opened it. Inside was a pair of hot pink short shorts, a pink tank top and pink stilettos.

"Are you out of your mind, DiNozzo?" Kate cried. "I can't think of any situation where I'd even consider wearing this! If all my clothes were destroyed, I'd rather wear a paper bag than…this!"

"That's why I got you this," Tony handed her a small box.

Kate lifted the lid. Inside was a brochure for…

"POLE DANCING LESSONS!" Kate yelled.

Everyone in the office turned to face the pair. She meekly apologized, then turned her attention back to Tony.

"Pole dancing lessons? What were you thinking – no, what the hell were you smoking?"

"Well, Abby said you liked exercising and Ducky said you like dancing. McGee said to get you a CD voucher, but we both know how lame McGee is. The clothes were my idea."

"Of course they were," Kate snapped.

"Give it shot, Kate," Tony pleaded, "it says 'pole dancing tones and shapes, giving you confidence to try something new in a relaxed and friendly environment'. It sounds fun."

"It doesn't sound too bad," Kate mused. She shook her head. "No, I can't do this!"

"Can't – or won't." Tony answered. "Use it, don't use it – it's your present, so it's up to you."

Tony stood up.

"Just so you know, Kate, you don't have to start lying about your age – you look beautiful to me." Tony walked off.

"Maybe I'll go," Kate smiled to herself, absent-mindedly scratching her face.

That lavender and orange peel anti-aging moisturiser was going to pay.

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**A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed that!**

**Please review. Your reviews can make an emo kid smile!**


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